The title isn’t clickbait. I have been struggling with overwhelming anxiety for about four or five months. I wouldn’t say that I’ve been struggling with anxiety in a general sense, but in a very specific one. I have been struggling with overwhelming anxiety and sometimes even panic attacks before, during, and after preaching.
The question I have asked myself multiple times might be one you’re thinking…How could someone who has preached for so long, suddenly start having anxiety about it?
About four or five months ago, on Mother’s Day, I delivered a sermon on repentance. Admittedly odd for Mother’s Day, but I felt God had led me to preach on the topic and stood confidently in front of my congregation to do so on that morning. But a few minutes into the sermon, I immediately began experiencing some overwhelming physical issues that completely baffled me and caused me lose my train of thought. I stuttered and stammered around for a minute or two and ended up having to call one of our other pastors on the platform to pray, while I walked behind the stage to gather myself, totally stressed and humiliated. I was able to come back and finish the message, but still struggled throughout. Later that afternoon, I wrote a post and called it out as spiritual warfare, which I still believe to this day.
However, since that happened, EVERY Sunday I have been experiencing overwhelming anxiety before, during, and after preaching. A combination of PTSD from that strange Sunday and ongoing spiritual warfare, I’m certain, but it has been an absolute struggle. A few weeks ago, I went to the doctor and ended up getting a series of labs, tests, and even an ultrasound to make sure there wasn’t anything physically wrong with me. From all the tests, everything looked fine. I can’t say I was surprised, because the only time I experienced any physical effects was during my anxiety, and that typically only occurred on Sunday mornings.
In some ways, knowing it wasn’t a physical issue relieved me, but in others, it didn’t. Something I was so confident in six months ago had now become something I felt extremely weak in.
But we all know that God so often uses moments of weakness to teach us, test us, and grow us.
The anxiety peaked (I hope) two Sundays ago. I had started an SSRI medication a couple of weeks prior and was told that the anxiety could actually become worse before it got any better.
Well, it did.
That morning, I fidgeted, squirmed, and bounced my leg the whole time I preached, all while sitting on a new stool I had purchased that ended up being too small for me. Many people noticed and were worried about my health. Rightly so. It was so awkward for me to watch the video back.
Many times over the past months, I have honestly felt like giving up. I had even thought of a few ideas for other ministry jobs I could take that wouldn’t involve preaching. I had concluded that God must have allowed this to happen to move me into something else He had for me.
But on that particular Sunday evening, after I had felt my weakest that morning, I truly felt the Lord spoke to me through a series of events and not only gave me a wake-up call, but also gave me a message that I needed to preach to myself and to my church.
This past Sunday I did just that. I shared everything that happened to me, what the anxiety and panic attacks had been like, how God spoke to me, and how He might be speaking to you as well, if you can relate to going through something similar. I won’t write it all here, but below you can find the message I preached, and maybe God will use His strength through my weakness to speak to you as He did to me.
– Psalm 46:1-3 (CSB)
“God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble. Therefore we will not be afraid, though the earth trembles and the mountains topple into the depths of the seas, though its water roars and foams and the mountains quake with its turmoil.”
After reading about your experience with anxiety I simply want to say that I understand. It’s hard. I’m sending up prayers for you and this struggle. With God by your side, you can prevail. The devil is among us and he hurts, disrupts and attacks. But as worshippers of Jesus and with his instructions (the words in red) we can be better and make this world better and less harsh. Best wishes for your journey.